Bum Boats
by TimeTheFinalFrontier
Summary: Britain has a lot of anger that he wants to dump on France - literally. Based on an old map by the title of "John Bull Bombarding The Bum-Boats."


Warnings for cursing, poop, and references to the writings of the Marquis de Sade.

* * *

Francis jumped up with a shout, and used a nearby napkin to wipe the fresh pile of steaming mess off of his pants.

"Putain de merde!" He exclaimed, pushing Arthur to the floor. "What the hell was that for?" He spat in Arthur's direction and threw the soiled napkin at the fallen nation.

It landed on Arthur's face and the smaller nation winced. He stood slowly and used the back on his hand to wipe the mess from his cheek, and then used Francis's shirt to wipe his hand.

Francis let out a fresh litany of curses and pushed Arthur to the floor once more. He used one booted foot to pin the other there, and Arthur smiled up at him calmly.

"What?" He asked, looking genuinely confused. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you liked that. Didn't your best friend spend the last thirty years writing various books about people eating, breathing, drinking, and fucking s-"

Francis cut him off by pressing his boot down until the other couldn't breathe well enough to continue speaking. "Tell me _exactly_ what the hell you were thinking back there?" He demanded, gesturing to the mess around them.

"Oh, come on," Arthur groaned, wheezing a little bit as Francis let up just enough to allow him to speak. "It's not as if you couldn't see that coming for the last thousand years."

The sound of muffled laughter distracted them from their glaring contest, and they found Alfred, hunched over and shaking with laughter, teeth clamped around his now-bleeding hand in an attempt to stifle his uncontrollable giggles. His brother was next to him, shaking him in an attempt to silence him, but a smile graced his features and it was obvious that he, too, was trying not to laugh.

Alfred caught their eyes and redoubled his efforts to stay quiet, lest he too be subjected to the horrible forces of Arthur's 'bum boats.'

Francis turned back to the nation below him and sighed. "Arthur, I realize you've had a stick up your ass for nearly that long, but why did you choose today over my lap to pull it out?"

At that, even Arthur couldn't suppress a small chuckle. "Because I felt like it."

Francis frowned deeply but released Arthur, who stood and brushed himself off like a true gentleman. He nodded his gratitude and turned to leave.

Francis turned away to regard the damage to one of his favorite outfits. He didn't see Arthur turn back at the door.

"Oh and Francis?"

"What is it?" The Frenchman growled.

"Back there, when you called me," here he coughed politely, "a name that is not to be repeated in polite company-"

"You mean putain de merde?" Francis asked bluntly.

"Yes, _that,_" Arthur continued. "I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in the mirror and not at me when you said it." And with that, he left.

Francis threw up his hands in defeat and began to strip out of his soiled clothes.

The twins on the other side of the table stopped trying to be quiet and began laughing uncontrollably. "Oh, my, God," Alfred practically screamed. "He _pooped_ on you!" He pointed a shaking finger at Francis and proceeded to laugh so hard that he peed his pants.

* * *

A/N:

Based on this map: (without the spaces)

http:

uploads/1/3/5/0/

1350006/1861797_orig

.jpg

Putain de merde can be translated to mean a lot of things, but it literally translates into "whore of shit."

Francis's 'best friend' is the Marquis de Sade, and one of his most infamous novels, 120 Days of Sodom, features at least 150 different ways to eat, bathe in, and have intercourse with poop. Including detailed instructions what to feed your slave to make their poop taste good. (The rest of the book doesn't get any better, if that happens to be your thing. It just goes downhill from there into hundreds of creative, horrible, illegal, and sometimes improbable ways to kill people.) My recommendation is not to read it, or, if you must, not to read it on a full stomach. Might be a good idea if you're dieting or are looking for a way to take your mind off of food when every piece of food in your house is either rotten or nonexistent.

Thanks for reading, and if you have any requests for weird kinks you'd like to see a story about, or about any old maps you'll like to see in story form, just comment/PM me and I'll see what I can do. :)


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